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For 25 years I’d been googling the question “Why doesn’t my mother love me”. I didn’t find an answer until just over a year ago when suddenly a plethora of self help books on the subject of Narcissistic Mothers flooded my screen. Suddenly I was no longer alone, no longer a freak outcast unworthy of love. It was not my fault and there are others like me.
My mother will never love me. She will say the words , she’ll even cry when she tells me how worried she is about me, that she thinks about me and prays for me every day.
But these are empty words behind which she hides decades of broken promises, lies and abuse.
For as long as I can remember she has done her best to treat me like an unwanted plant. She has paid people to water me, she hasn’t made any effort to help me flourish, in fact she has revelled in my failures and been scathingly contemptuous of my successes.
I’m hoping blogging these horrors that still haunt me will help me heal , and perhaps also help others who can relate to what I will share here.
Disclaimer: Everything in this blog has actually happened. It’s not pretty, sometimes messy and disgusting .
Currently I remain anonymous. This way I can write the abuse, gaslighting, sabotaging and not worry about her retribution.
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As much as I‘m writing this to heal, I’d love to know if it’s helping anyone else. Or if I’m just shouting into the void! Thanks for your understanding.